Day 31: OKCupid Men and Cutting Ties

I was completely immersed in the OKCupid dating world when N sent me the unexpected text message. Once we got back together, I needed to notify the men I was scheduled to meet in the coming days. A former, less mature version of myself may have attempted to simply disappear from the equation by deleting my OKCupid profile and ignoring incoming texts. Or even worse, fabricate excuses about my unavailability, stringing my dates along until they eventually gave up and sought greener pastures.

I knew what I had to do but, admittedly, the thought of addressing these men spurred apprehension. Part of my irrational discomfort stemmed from the fact that my reason for suddenly disappearing, although completely true, sounded like complete bullshit. “We’ve had some amazing conversations and our dinner date is tomorrow. I said I was really looking forward to meeting you, but I decided to get back with my ex last night. So sorry!” Um, really?

Ladies, I know you’ve all used the fictional “I’m dating my ex-boyfriend again” tactic before. It’s an easy, indisputable excuse to unleash when you want a man to stop pursuing you. Only this time, it happened to be true. I don’t personally know these OKCupid men and I shouldn’t care what they think, but I dislike being perceived as disingenuous – even by a complete stranger. However, I’m a firm believer in honesty, so I broke the news one by one. The responses I received ranged from incredibly understanding to downright desperate:

Z. – 28, Lawyer
I’d actually gone a first date with Z and he gave me my first taste of Peru. Z reached out again in an attempt to schedule another date when I told him that I was no longer single. His reaction was completely mature and gracious. Z thanked me for the update, said he enjoyed meeting me and wished me well with my relationship. Talk about a clean break! This scenario couldn’t have played out better if I had planned the entire exchange myself.

D. – 29, Advertising Executive
Based on his OKCupid profile and our limited conversations, I was almost certain that D and I weren’t a great match. Why did I agree to go on a date with him? He’s originally from England and incredibly handsome. I was in need of some eye candy and the allure of an accent was strong. Go ahead, judge me! D was definitely disappointed, but seemed empathetic until he ended our discussion with, “You’ll be single in a month. Text me.” Charming, no?

K. – 26, Tech Start-up CEO
I’d only briefly spoken with K and, quite honestly, I’d forgotten that we were supposed to plan a date. After K sent a reminder text, I disclosed my new relationship status. He followed up by asking if we could become Facebook friends “just in case.” Note: in his message, he actually put quotes around “just in case” (creepy) and he was very persistent about it. I passed, not wanting to give a stranger access to my personal information and updates.

L. – 29, Architect
L seemed like an interesting, charming guy. We had yet to go on our first date, but we spoke regularly and our chemistry was promising. When I shared the news, he was initially very sweet and wished me luck. But the next day, L texted me, sent multiple pictures and expressed how much he missed our conversations. I told him we could no longer text and any future contact would be inappropriate. Even after that, he still continued to text me throughout the day, saying he “just couldn’t help it.” Red flags. Everywhere. Eventually L got the message, but he’s clearly emotionally unstable.

After all was said and done, I felt like a massive weight had been lifted. Cue exhale. I could now start anew and focus on my relationship with N without any OKCupid men lurking the shadows. From here on out, it appears be smooth sailing ahead. Fingers crossed I don’t receive any more pleading text messages from L.

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8 thoughts on “Day 31: OKCupid Men and Cutting Ties

  1. I love the way you went about breaking it off with your potentials. It shows a lot of maturity that I hope to one day have in my dating life. For now, I am quite awkward when it comes to that and would probably have just avoided talking to them until they got bored with my unresponsiveness… Your way was much better/successful!

    • Thanks! This approach is definitely something I developed over time. It used to be awkward for me too and avoidance was always the easiest option. I learned that being direct can seem uncomfortable but, in the end, it’s the considerate thing to do and it causes less stress for everyone.

      – K.

  2. misscapades says:

    It’s so nice to see that other women are comfortable with talking to, and meeting with, more than one guy from OkCupid.
    And I hope it all goes well for you and N – I’m sure we’ll hear some updates.

  3. Haha I feel like we are living the same dating life. Isnt it an interesting world….

  4. I was recently given the avoidance routine first and the direct reject second. Let me tell you, I am still rolling around in pain/disgust/disappointment, whatever word you want to use, over the rejection. I was dragged along for the ride while she decided to find someone else. She knew ahead of time that I was into her and that I wanted to date.

    I went on three dates with this woman. We had sex on the third date. She went off on a few vacation trips. During one of those trips, she met someone else on OKCupid. She removed her profile while on one of her trips. I was still someone she eagerly texted…up until a point in time where she became more and more distant. She hadn’t returned from her vacation yet and when she did, my offer to meet for coffee was refused.

    She should have told me the day she removed her profile that I was out of the running. It would have been easier for me to move on. She chose to lead me on.

    Our last date was back in mid-July. I eagerly awaited her return, communicating with her through the rest of July and on into mid August when I got the coffee date refusal. A week later, she told me via Facebook that she had met someone else.

    The sting of that style of rejection really left a mark on me. I was left with the impression that we’d likely become something more while she was away for a month. As it turned out, it didn’t take much for an online exchange with someone else to put me in the No pile.

    I admire that you were direct with your suitors, but tread lightly. We have to assume from your post that you were respectful of their emotions. They took your rejection well, so it makes sense that you handled it like a champ. Some of us are not as fortunate.

    • I’m so sorry to hear about your experience. Unfortunately, avoidence is the “easy out” but it’s misleading and unfair to the other person.. It sounds like the woman you were dating still has a lot of growing to do. Those types of situations are hurtful, and I hope that you’ve been able to move on.

      I didn’t go in depth about my exchanges with the OKCupid men, but the conversations were definitely respectful of their emotions. I had only met one of them in person, so it was a bit easier to break things off since the time investment at that point was low.

      – K.

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