After a night of pure euphoria, N and I found ourselves in bed the next morning with tear-streaked faces. Although we both knew our break-up was inevitable, it didn’t make that sad moment any easier. I have a clear vision for my future, one that includes a path toward long-term commitment. N is, well, undecided. Unsure about what he wants from a relationship. Confused to the point that no promises will ever be made.
Sitting here, the mere thought of him sends a sharp pain through my chest. Maybe it’s the grief, the longing, or an awful combination of both. How do you cope with losing someone who was such an integral part of your life? How do you continue to navigate each day without them? The loss is sudden. Jarring. The worst part is, you’re forced to deal with it internally because the one person who would normally console you, is the cause of the entire ordeal.
Today, I went to N’s apartment to collect my belongings. The drive there sparked unsettling emotions. A route, once so familiar and welcoming, now marked our final, eerie goodbye. I opted not to enter his apartment – the same apartment where I had spent countless happy weekends over the past six months. Instead, he met me outside with a bag of my things in hand. Each item in the bag was a small, bittersweet reminder of a moment in our relationship.
The second he pulled me in for a hug, I burst into tears. We assured each other that this was the right decision for both of us. A quiet moment passed as he held me in his arms one last time. Anticipating that this would soon become too painful, I anxiously returned to my car. As N slowly walked back to his apartment, I saw him stop and turn back to look at me. Twice. When I got home, I left the bag of items in the trunk of my car. It’s still sitting there, locked away in the dark, awash in memories.